Change and People

It has been an interesting year. Full of upheaval and homelessness and change. Some of those changes have been really obvious: selling our house and moving halfway across the country for example. Some of those changes have been a lot more subtle.



I've been really challenged to rethink people: how I relate to them and how God wants me to relate to them. I'm not a people person and I haven't been for a long time, to the point that I have felt like I could be completely self sufficient without friends or any thing else. That sounds pretty harsh. And you know, I've never felt like I should apologize for that. But in the last six months God has really been speaking to me about how prideful I am, and about how much that self sufficiency is a mask for crippling fear. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, and that is a good thing.

But people mean something. They mean something to my Father. And yeah, people are difficult. They aren't easy. Friendships aren't easy. If they are, there's something wrong I think. Conflict and challenge are neccesary. Without them we are all wallowing around in shallow water with each other. People hurt (themselves and you). They won't ever understand you perfectly. You will never understand them perfectly. But that's what's beautiful. We see in part but God sees in full. And what you have of God is something I have no comprehension of. By denying people, I'm denying my God. I will only ever have a partial picture of him. I will always be limited to what I can understand, to what I can hear. I will be missing out on the countless revelations of who He is through someone else. I'm only hurting myself. And yeah, I'm making myself pursue people because it's no longer natural for me to do it. But God's working with me. He never intended for me to be alone.



It's freeing to no longer rely on other people's opinions and to have confidence in who I am in Christ. But it's also a defense carried to an extreme. I'm safe behind my wall, completely unaccessable and unavailable and unassailable. It's cold isolation. And I'm tired of it. I want more of God and I've only allowed him to show parts of himself to me because of my pride. I can only be endlessly grateful for God's intense mercy and grace in my life. I would have given up on me a long time ago. I'm thankful for the humbling work of the Spirit of Truth and Revelation. And I need more. It's an incredibly painful thing to have God show you truthfully what you look like. And it's not easy to let him show you. I can only lay myself at his feet and receive his incredible love through discipline. It hurts. But it's a neccesary hurt. And I want to embrace it fully.

I'm thankful for all of you who are reading this. You've meant a lot to me and my family and I love you guys. Thank you for loving me inspite of myself. And for revealing new and different aspects of who God is to me.

Leah



P.S. Just for the heck of it, here are a couple videos of two of the boys new songs! Check it out and let them know what you think!